(no subject)

[debitha]

Sunday was a pretty cheery sort of a day. I had a nice sleep in, got up about 10.30 and, sat there in a patch of morning sunshine with my coffee, decided it was a good day for a barbeque.

There was the odd moment of chaos. When I moved house I dismantled my little bbq (charcoal), and I suddenly realised I had no idea where the bolts were. V and I both hunted all over the house, with V double checking where I'd looked in case I'd missed them, all to no avail. So I rang a neighbour and asked if I could borrow theirs, turned around and promptly saw the pile of nuts and bolts on the shelf over the computer. Go me. :o)

For vegetarian-friendly barbequeing I recommend stuffed mushrooms:

Large cup mushrooms
Blue cheese
Pine nuts

Pop the stalks out of the mushrooms, chop the stalks finely and put in a bowl.
Chop/crumble the cheese finely, add to bowl. Chop pine nuts and add to bowl.
Mix and spoon back into mushrooms.
Mushrooms then go straight on the barbie until kind of wrinkly.
Eat.

For a non-vege option, chuck in little bits of fried bacon.

In less cheery news, after everyone had gone home I got a call from my Mum. My grandfather has been pretty poorly with the flu for a few weeks now (having been in a residential hospital for 2-3 years). He developed pneumonia which has not responded to antibiotics, so he's now on morphine to see him through to the end. I'm finding it very weird. It's sad, but in a lot of ways I can't help but feel it's for the best.


He hasn't been himself since the car accident that killed my grandmother in 2001. He was pretty badly injured, including a head injury. The doctors at the time said he would probably not recover. He is however the stubbornest of old coots and pulled through, probably just to spite them. But it seems to have kicked off a rapid deterioration towards senility. (e.g. responding to an email requesting that he send all of his credit details to boris@russianmafia.com. Mum took away his internet after that one.) He used to be really active before the accident. He gardened and did handy-man type things around the house, and suddenly he was physically impaired and couldn't do those things anymore. And his concentration was gone too, so books and movies were out. Even before he had to go into care, he never really coped without Grandma, having never cooked or done laundry before in his life.

I guess it's strange because I've never really related to him, but at the same time I'm sometimes very much like him. I asked Mum how long they were giving him. Her response was, "Tuesday before last." Apparently the doctor who gave the prognosis had wondered why no one told him what happened. He was quite surprised when he walked in a week or so later to find Grandad had just finished his dinner. Ever thought I tend towards being unreasonably stubborn sometimes? *points to Grandad* I come by it honestly.

I was never very close to him. When I was little and we went to visit Grandma and Grandad, he would have written on the calendar "Hooray they're leaving" on the day we were due to go home. He was joking, but I was 6 and didn't get it. It actually took me years to work out that he didn't mean it, but it's not really the best basis for a relationship as I grew up.

So, conclusions? I don't really have any. I am OK with him going, because I think he's been unhappy for a very long time. I guess mostly I feel conflicted because I feel like I ought to be more upset than I am. And now I'm supposed to write something for someone to read at his funeral. The written word has never been my friend (not when written by me, anyway) so how do I put all that into something funeral-appropriate?

Comments

[giffydoll.livejournal.com]

I actually think putting in something about your common stubborn-ness in might work. It's great hearing the stories that other people have, whether you already knew it or not.

Also, OMG Mushrooms stuffed with blue cheese and pine-nuts?? Want!

[debitha.livejournal.com]

Stuffed mushrooms, nom.

Well, it's a place to start. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll build it from there.

[sokky.livejournal.com]

The written word is more your friend than you seem to think - I think what you wrote here was honest and moving.
Agree with Giffy - the stubbornness thing is a nice thing to share. People like to hear little stories about stuff like that :) Even the bit about 'hooray they're leaving' with a little tweak would actually be OK I think.

Also please with the mushrooms over here! :D

[debitha.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's a lot easier when you can just be honest. I can say things like that in the relative privacy of my LJ, it's coming up with something suitable for reading at a funeral that is alarming me a bit. I will put a humourous spin on the calendar thing.

The mushrooms are really My Kind of cooking, seriously maybe 5 minutes prep time. They would probably be good under a grill too.

[sassafrassle.livejournal.com]

Little anecdotes for funerals I think are the way to go - it's good to smile through tears. At my grandma's funeral, the guy officiating it quoted her apparently fav joke, which was about a young woman marrying an old man and the punchline was something along the lines of "like marshmallow in a money box". Ah it was so inappropriate but funny in retrospect...

[debitha.livejournal.com]

Hey, it was her funeral. Her favourite joke can't be inappropriate! Good on whoever put it in there.

The trick is going to be writing it in such a way as to make it funny. Particularly as it won't be me reading it. As with emails or internet, you can't always rely on another person to get it quite right, and a changed emphasis can completely change the meaning.

...Aaaand I'm an idiot. I can have a go at recording it myself and emailing an audio file to my mum, because that is the joy of the digital age. *smacks forehead*

[zephfi.livejournal.com]

i think, as others before me have said, sharing something of what you've shared here will mean a lot to your family. little stories like "Hooray they're leaving" are really important and moving.

this sort of pre-loss-grief is pretty hard, eh. *hugs*

[debitha.livejournal.com]

The thing I'm really struggling with is I'm actually not really all that upset. Mostly I think because I've had so long to get used to the idea. They didn't think he'd pull through after the accident nearly seven years ago, and although he recovered, he's got worse and worse ever since. We always suspected that there would be a winter that he wouldn't make it through, so it's no great shock. Or maybe I'm just putting it off and it'll come hit me in the face later, that happens with me sometimes.

*hugs back* Thanks.

[zephfi.livejournal.com]

i had same thing with my Nana. she had been sick for years, and i hadn't really seen her much in a while. plus, there was the whole thing where i knew she had been in pain and never really got over my grandad dying in 2000. last year i got the "this is it" call, which turned out to be over 12 months early. J's family get the "this is it" call several times a year with his Poppa; i can't imagine how exhausting that must be!

i was sad because i knew that she was scared of dying, and because my mum didn't want to lose her mum, but i had a lot of mixed feelings that i didn't feel "sadder". i think the inevitability of it all meant that, like you say, it wasn't a shock. i did manage to call her and say goodbye the night before she died. which has to have been one of the hardest things i've ever done, but i'm glad i did.

[debitha.livejournal.com]

It's quite weird that I won't get to say goodbye. He's already on so much morphine that he is struggling terribly with processing words, so a phone call is no good. Which is hard for me, but for him? Hell, if I can't go quick I want there to be lots of morphine. High as a kite and feeling no pain, that's the way!

I'm pretty sure this is not going to be very early, but now I'm just waiting for the text. Which is quite distracting, and I should go do some work now.

[zephfi.livejournal.com]

Nana couldn't talk at all when i called, and all i came out was some pretty uninspired gibberish, really (cos what the hell do you say!?). but i think it meant a lot to mum.. and hopefully my ramblings weren't on speakerphone or anything at the time.
i do not envy you waiting for that text/call. specially when you're at work. take it easy! (well, as easy as one can, anyway!)